Getting There or Just Getting by: Planewalker Tips

Source: Planewalker's Handbook p.44

The following is an excerpt from a speech given by self-proclaimed "General" Amiil Facolas to a group of newcomers to Sigil. At one time, Facolas attempted to start an integration information business called "So, You're Clueless, Huh?" The business failed, but he nevertheless provided worthwhile bits of knowledge that any planewalker'd do well to remember.

Scan this chant, berks - I’ve seen more than you, I know more than you, so you do the listenin' and I do the talkin’ here. Understand? Good.

So, you want to travel the planes. You're probably just a bunch of sodding would-be Sensates looking for a new experience, huh? Or maybe you're looking to become high-ups by strutting your stuff in dangerous places. I don't care why you’re here. I’m just here to tell you what you need to know so you don't lose your fool heads. There’s a bunch o' things you need to remember, so I’ll try to talk all organized-like, Guvner-style.

Point one: What to Take

Before you go anywhere, you've got to think about what you’re going to need. Sometimes what a basher’s got determines if he lives or dies. Don’t go taking too much, though - being weighed down is as sure a way o' gettin’ scragged, hipped, or put in the dead-book as bringin’ nothin’ at all.

Here’s a short list, in no particular order.

Something sharp. Sure, most leatherheads carry a sword or knife, but just in case you’re one of those types that don’t normally carry a blade, start doin' it now. You can fight with whatever you want, but a knife’s essential for cutting, digging, marking ground, and other things a basher’s got to do. It’s the best multipurpose friend you’ve got.
A good, sturdy pair o’ boots - the thicker, the better. You’ll be walking in stuff you don’t want your feet to touch, believe me.
A blindfold. Lots o* things out there will drive a cutter barmy or blind if he keeps his eyes open - especially in the Inner Planes where all that energy and radiance’ll burn your eyes right out. Furthermore, a wet blindfold can be held in front o’ your bone-box to act as a breathin’ filter. This’ll protect you (at least a little) from noxious fumes, smoke, and other breathing hazards.
Earplugs. There’re almost as many sounds that you don’t want to hear as sights you don’t want to see. Take Pandemonium, for example - the incessant winds that blow there drive a berk barmy if he’s exposed to ’em for too long.
Rations and water. Don’t go expecting to find something to eat or drink out on the planes. More likely than not, most cutters ain't gonna want to eat what they've got there.
Rope. If you think that everywhere on the planes has nice, level ground, you've got a rude awakening ahead o’ you, berk. Some planes are nothing but ridges and chasms. Others (actually, a couple of them) are just big mountains. Some’re stranger still, with no real up or down. Occasionally a blood’s just got to tie herself to something solid to get her bearings.
Oiled tarp or tent. You’ve got to carry your shelter with you when you travel the planes. Sometimes even the rain of a plane is dangerous - acidic, poisonous, or worse.
Torch, lantern, or magical light (best!). Like to see where you're going?
Journal. On the planes, it's easier to record where you’ve been than try to figure where you’re going, so a journal is easier to keep than a map. Distances can change, berk. Some planes, space has little meaning. Keeping track of what you’ve seen to provide reference points is a good idea. It’s also a handy place to jot down portal information, like the kind of key a basher needs to use one.
Money. Just like at home, a little jink goes a long way. No matter where you go, everybody speaks the language of gold. If you're not accustomed to giving out bribes - change.

Don't bother bringing:

A map. The maps that you find on the Prime regarding anything on the planes are wrong. Even if they were right once, things change pretty fast on the planes, and when they change, they change big. Cities move, planes shift, mountains sink - you get the idea.
A narrow-minded focus or superior attitude. Keep an open mind. Things out here aren’t always like they were at home. Hardly ever, actually. And while you’re at it, drop your attitude. Powers and their proxies live on the planes, berks, and no matter how tough you think you are, you ain’t as powerful as they.

Point two: What Spells to Prepare

You spellcasters don’t care so much about what equipment to bring as what spells to memorize. It’s good that you think ahead, ’cause the same spells you used on the Prime may not be the ones you want in the Abyss, or on the plane of Water.

First off, get to know the effects each plane has on magic. They all have their own magical quirks, and they’re all different. Sometimes your fireball will be less effective, while sometimes it’ll be more - and sometimes it won’t work at all. The best ride o’ thumb to remember about spells and planes is that it all sort of makes sense. Water-based magic doesn’t work on the plane of Fire. Don’t try to use wild or chaos magic on the planes of law. With a lot of research and a little common sense, you’ll get the idea. Where they work, the followin’ spells are very useful.

All Spellcasters

Seeing. Breathing. Communicating. Pretty basic needs, right? Well, such things aren’t as easily gotten on the planes as they are on the Prime. Whether you’re memorizin’ your spells or pulling ’em in from your deity, magic that provides such needs ought to be your first priority.

Light or continual flame. Plenty of planes don’t even have a sun or normal illumination. If you like seein’, bring your own. The spell’s a lot more reliable than any torch. If you're concerned with more metaphysical sight, you can’t beat true seeing to tell friends from foes.
Water breathing, breathe earth*, breathe fire*, breath of the elements*, and similar enchantments, or more versatile spells like air bubble. Like to breathe? Don’t even think of visiting one o’ the Elemental Planes without some kind of similar spell.
Tongues. Not everyone speaks common, berk!

Don’t bother with:

Banishment. Unless you know you're going up against a basher that isn’t on his home plane, these spells (and others like them) won’t have the effect you want them to, or even any effect at all.
Any spell prohibited by the conditions or environment of the plane. Get to know what works where, and you’ll be way ahead of the game.

Specific Spells

It may seem strange, hut spells that ordinarily debilitate or hinder a body sometimes become your best friends out on the planes. Think about using darkness in the plane of Radiance. Such spells can be the only way to protect your senses on certain planes.
Spider climb. Sometimes a spell like this is the only easy way to get around. This allows a basher to get around safely on the uneven precipices of Gehenna as well as one o’ the floatin’ islands found in the plane of Air.
Warp sense. This spell is a must. You’re going to be traveling through a lot o’ portals, and this spell is the best way to find them and their keys.
Fly. Best way to get around, except maybe teleport. Gives most environmental hazards the laugh.
Leomund's tiny hut. As I said before, sometimes you have to take your shelter with you. This’ll be very useful on planes that have howling winds, acidic rain, and other hazards.
passwall, stone shape, and other such spells allow movement in planes where there ain’t any other way to get around, like on the plane of Earth.
Fabricate. Bein’ able to improvise is an important skill when you’re traveling in strange planes. This spell makes improvisation a lot easier sometimes.
Sending. This spells, along with any others that have multiplanar ranges (even with a chance of failure), become a lot more useful when you’re a planewalker.
Teleport. The best way to get around, bar none. This gets you by the rivers of acid, the armies of asuras, and whatever other obstacles you’ll encounter on your journeys. Even better, teleport without error has a planar range that can eliminate the need to search out portals altogether.
Disintegrate . Some folks’re immune to fire, others can’t be harmed by lightning or cold, but not a lot of being’s got special immunity to disintegrate. This is the best offensive spell a cutter’s got on the planes. It kills ’em once and for all, no questions asked.
Polymorph. When folks think about this spell, they always think o’ what tough monsters they can turn into. Within many of the hostile environments of the planes, however, this is the ultimate survival spell. There’s always some creature that can live in any given place, and this spell lets a body change into such a beast.
Goodberry. These make for easily transportable rations, and come in handy when a body’s hurt, too.
Create food and water. With this spell at your command, you can lighten your load and still be sure you always have safe food. Even on the Upper Planes, things ain’t always as safe as they look — so watch out for the fruit of the dark green bush in Nidavellir, Ysgard's third layer. It looks good, but it'll drive you barmy if you eat more than one. It’s also a good idea to carry a purify food and drink, since some planes contaminate food as soon as it’s created!
Protection from energy. The best way to keep out of the dead-book on the Elemental Planes is through magic. This spell prove just as useful on the fiery layers of the Abyss. Baator, Gehenna, and Ysgard.
Greater Restoration. If you’re traveling the Lower Planes by way of the Styx, this’ll restore the memory of any berk splashed by the foul waters. Just don't get any on yourself, or you’ll forget how to cast the spell!
Find the path. Think about it, berk - the planes are infinite! How else can you find the exact spot you’re looking for on a plane with no north, south, east, west, up, down, or sideways?
Plane shift. Ah. now here’s a useful spell. Gives me cause to show priests a little more respect. Portals require keys and sometimes have guards. Sure, this can’t take you someplace with pinpoint accuracy, but it’ll zap you generally where you need to go, without any hassle.
Word of recall. Sure, there’s a chance you’ll put yourself in the dead-book if you try to cross too many planes, but sometimes a body’s just got to get out of a bad situation fast.

Point three: What to Watch For

Generally, a planewalker’s got to have a little intuition. If your gut tells you that something's dangerous, trust the feeling. Some folks just assume everything’s dangerous. While this sometimes seems true, it ain’t always the case, and sometimes leads to a basher overlooking something that can help rather than hurt.

When in the Cage, do as the Cagers do. This’s true of every place. Watch what the natives do and do it too. Each plane's inhabitants have learned what’s safe and productive to do on that plane. They won’t drink poisoned water or walk on unsafe terrain. Be sure that the fellow you’re watching is someone you want to emulate, though. A tanar’ri might drink poisoned water.

In almost all cases, a path or road is better than the rough, and a city's better than the wilderness. You’ll avoid the big nasty monsters and many o’ the unknown planar dangers by staying near ‘civilization.’ Of course, in such areas you still have to deal with thieves and other cutters who’re after your jink. ‘Civilized monsters,’ you might say.

Even the strange and exotic places have life. Don’t assume that you won’t encounter some horrible predator just because you’re floating through some airless void or making your way across what some clueless sod would call a ‘lifeless plain.’ There ain’t no such thing. Life has a way of finding a home everywhere. Something’s always adapted to whatever environment you’re in. That means there’s always a potential meal wherever you go - but it might be you.

Point four: Who to Talk To

If you’re the strong, silent type, you won’t get far. You can’t know the dark of everything, and the chant’s always fresh. A body’s got to talk to folks to keep up with what’s going on.

Find a well-lanned fellow who’s in a position to see and hear a lot whenever you go into a town. A barkeep, a city watchman, or a popular merchant is a good choice - even a lamplighter’s got something to say. In most cases, it’ll take a little jink to loosen a worthwhile tongue, so be prepared.

Obviously, bards and sages often know a lot about a lot. Be careful, though. Professional information brokers hold no loyalties, and will gladly tell a body’s enemies what sorts of questions they were asked. A smart foe’ll be able to piece together a cutler’s plans and movements by the information that they seek. What’s good for them’s good for you, though. Finding out what your competition’s looking for is a good tactic that a planewalker needs to use if she’s got enemies — and who doesn’t?

It’s tough to be truly discreet when you need information. Sometimes a berk can get the rope simply by asking the wrong questions. More of them, however, have certainly ended up in the dead-book for asking no questions.

Point five: Who to Avoid

I’ll wrap up my little speech here with a word of warning. Remember who you’re dealing with and act accordingly. In general, don’t mess with anyone who belongs to an organization, a sect, or a faction - even if you can one-up the sod, you probably can’t take on the whole group. Don’t mess with fiends - do I really need to elaborate on that? Don’t get involved with petitioners, proxies, and especially powers.

Let me say that again. Don’t. Mess. With. Powers. Your holy sword and ninth-level magic don’t matter when you’re dealing with an honest-to-god deity (sorry about the pun).

Weighed down by artifacts, berk? It doesn’t matter one whit if you're challenging a power. They’re the ones that decide how everything works. They can make your magic, your magical items, and anything else (including your heart) just simply not work. They can do whatever they want. They’re powers.

That’s the gist of Amiil Facolas’s speech. His words provide wisdom, and for the most part, accurate depictions of the travails that face a planewalker. The following sections provide further information that a blood needs to know to get by.

Dealing with Others

The planes swarm with so many inhabitants and fellow travelers that a planewalker may have a tough time keeping them all straight. A body’s got to know how to treat the berks he meets. This section provides some advice on successfully and peacefully dealing with some of the most common groups (including all of the factions).

When Dealing with the Athar

It’s best not to mention a deity, even if a body’s a priest or a paladin. Swallow any religious zealotry and the Athar treat a basher fairly. If a berk flashes his holy symbol around a Defier, he’s sure to get only contempt and scorn. If a body says he’s searching for knowledge or enlightenment, he’s more likely to get a fair hearing.

For those more violently inclined, here’s one good bargaining tip in regards to the Athar - they’re real susceptible to injuries, disease, and death since no self-respecting priest will use her healing magic on one of these unbelievers. This comes in handy in more peaceful negotiations, too; potions of healing and other curative magical items are very valuable to members of this faction.

If a body is working directly for a power, avoid this bunch for sure. A group of high-up Athar have the ability to send a proxy or other servant of a deity straight back where he came by banishing him. Fortunately, a basher needn’t fear this trick while in the Cage — no one gets banished from Sigil, unless they get tossed directly out a door (which happens).

When Dealing with the Godsmen

Like any faction members, the Believers of the Source like to hear their own philosophies spouted back at them. If a cutter mentions actualizing her potential and overcoming great trials and tests, the Godsmen react well.

Remember too, that the tenets of this faction pretty clearly state that planars are a higher form than primes, so members’ll give a planar more respect (but then, most folks do that anyway).

When Dealing with the Bleakers

Unless a basher’s sympathetic with the faction’s outlook, it’s best not to talk philosophy with a member of the Bleak Cabal. It’s easy to get caught up arguing meaning versus no-meaning with these bashers, and that only sets the Bleakers off. Remember, they believe nothing makes sense, so don’t go trying to explain things to them — it’s not necessary, and it’s a waste of time.

Just because these folks don’t think there's a point to it all doesn’t mean that they don’t know what's going on. Some Bleakers are as well-lanned as they come.

When Dealing with the Doomguard

If a body is looking for help from the Doomguard, he’s got a challenge ahead of him. They won’t help an addle-cove who tells them that he’s trying to make something better. The Doomguard only take actions that further the cause of entropy. A smart cutter can phrase things in such a way to the Doomguard to make it seem like she’s trying to do the same thing they are.

A basher rattling his bone-box about bringing down some tyrant, destroying some age-old fortress, or breaking the stranglehold that some fiends have over a gate-town is sure to attract the Doomguard’s attention. Don’t stress the improvements that these changes might make, and the Doomguard’ll be disposed to give a body what’s needed. (For the right garnish, of course, but that goes without saying, right?)

When Dealing with the Dustmen

Contrary to what a body might think, the Dustmen aren't really that hard to deal with. Sure, they have strong feelings about death, but they aren’t against living life to the tidiest, either; after all, a body can’t understand death until he’s tasted life. Never approach them with a matter of life and death - they won’t react to that in the same way as other folks. They’re interested in understanding the nature of life and death, though, and might lend a sympathetic ear to anyone who offers a potential insight into such things.

Keep the Dustmen’s feeling for the undead in mind, too. Crying on a Dustman’s shoulder about an evil vampire or lich won’t get a basher anywhere.

When Dealing with the Fated

Takers react well to someone who’s willing to take matters into her own hands. They still won’t offer to lend a sod a hand - unless it happens to serve their own purposes at the time, or they’re properly paid for their trouble.

Don’t show any sign of weakness. They don’t believe in sympathy, so being weak’ll only get a body in trouble. If they see a way to take what they want from a sod, they won’t hesitate. The best way to deal with one of the Fated is to make sure a body doesn’t have anything he wants - except then she runs the risk of being ignored.

When Dealing with the Guvners

A planewalker can learn a lot from a member of the Fraternity of Order. It’s said that knowledge is power, and these folks know a lot. They aren’t as interested in the “why” of things as they are in the “how.” Don’t approach them with emotional, heartfelt passion. They won’t see it. They’re pretty much a matter-of-fact group, and that’s how a cutter should treat them.

To slow them down or put them in their place, throw a contradiction in their face. Guvners hate that. The planes have rules, to be sure, but there’s exceptions to all of ’em, and that’s enough to make a cutter who’s trying to learn all the rules go completely barmy.

When Dealing with the Indeps

A basher just ain’t going to get a Free Leaguer to be sympathetic to her cause. Jink is the best way to communicate with one of these stubborn berks. Otherwise, a cutter’s best off stressing his independence and avoiding any mention of faction or other group ties.

Indeps don’t care what a basher’s beliefs are, but if a sod tries to impress his ideas on a member of the Free League, watch out. The only thing that makes them madder than that is the assumption that the Indeps have a set of beliefs of their own. They’re not a faction, and they’re not caught up in the belief struggle. That's what they say, anyway - over and over again.

When Dealing with the Hardheads

Remember, if a body ain’t in the Harmonium, the Harmonium ain’t gonna respect him. It’s their way or no way. They’re tough, but they don’t respect others who stand up to them. A cutter either joins 'em, avoids ’em, or kowtows to ’em.

When in Sigil, they’re the law. A planewalker’s got to accept that, no matter how much it galls him. It won’t do a body any good to tell them that he won’t abide by their rules - in fact, there’s no better way to get the Harmonium riled.

When Dealing with the Mercykillers

There’s only one piece of advice about dealing with Mercykillers: Don’t do it unless it’s absolutely necessary. If a body violates their sense of justice, they’ll just as soon see the berk in the dead-book as anywhere else. Life is black and white to these leatherheads, so don’t try to reason with them, or ask them for mercy. A basher can find a better use for that breath.

They’re wonderful, though, for a quick distraction: Set ’em on an enemy or opponent by saying the sod’s a lawbreaker and watch ’em go. Just don’t be around when (or if) they find out it’s not true.

When Dealing with the Anarchists

It might not be obvious, but if a basher needs an ally to fight (or otherwise confront) some powerful force, it’s not a bad idea to approach the Revolutionary League for potential help. Convince them that they’ll be fighting against the corrupt status quo, and they’ll fling themselves into a planewalker’s cause wholeheartedly.

The thing about Anarchists is that a body might not know lie's dealing with one at all. These folks can pass themselves off as members of other factions. The good thing about this is that Anarchists won’t hold it against a basher if he’s caught spouting beliefs he doesn’t actually hold just to get by or to impress someone. Anarchists have to lie about their beliefs all the time to make their disguises and infiltrations effective.

When Dealing with the Signers

The most extreme members of the Sign of One won ’t listen to somebody else’s problems. They can be the most egotistical, self-centered group of berks that a body will ever come across. They believe one of them is imagining the whole universe into existence, so everyone else isn’t real and doesn’t matter all that much. It’d be easier to deal with the Hardheads - at least they’ll believe a body’s real.

Less severe members take the view that every cutters the center of the multiverse (his own, that is). They may be persuaded to help a basher get a fair say and a fair shot at making his personal universe the best it can be - say, by giving a body a chance at the speaker’s list at the Hall of Speakers, or by teaching him something about turning situations to his advantage with the power of positive thinking.

When Dealing with the Sensates

In a lot of ways, the wants of the Society of Sensation are the easiest to fulfill. These folks want to experience life in every way, and always look for someone who’ll help them find a new sensation. Offer them something unique, and they’ll eat right out of a cutter’s hand (maybe literally).

Like so many of the other factions, talking to a Sensate is just a matter of approach. They're not interested in accomplishments so much as they are in experiences. It’s not the ultimate end so much as the means to that end that interests them. If a body is telling a Sensate the tale of how she scaled a sheer cliff to rescue a kidnaped prince, don’t talk about the importance of the prince, talk about what it was like to climb the cliff.

When Dealing with the Ciphers

If a member of the Transcendent Order asks a question, answer immediately, without giving it much - or any thought. That’s the way of these folks. Likewise, few Ciphers’ll change their minds once they’ve made a decision. They won’t listen to anyone’s long-winded speeches because the deliberation behind them takes too long.

Sometimes it's extremely easy to gain Cipher allies. With their love of action, they’ll help a body more often than not just to be doing something. This doesn’t mean they’ll join a body on a suicidal quest for the fun of it, though: they're action-oriented, not stupid.

When Dealing with the Xaositect

There’s a tale told about a Xaositect who took it upon himself to adopt a new personality and agenda each day. Eventually he stopped, claiming that his daily change was too regulated and orderly. Others say he ran out of ideas for new personalities. Either way, any addle-cove can see why Xaositccts are often difficult to deal with. Even the good-natured ones constantly change their minds and opinions.

The hard thing about working with Chaosmen is understanding the berks. Sometimes they’ll be in total agreement with a body and she’ll never know it because they’ll be flapping their bone-boxes in such a strange way. There’s no certain way to learn how to understand the chant of the Chaosmen. It just takes some clear, open-minded thinking and a little experience.

When Dealing with Outsiders

Who knows? They all come from disparate worlds, spouting different beliefs and dogma. One thing’s for certain - if they're newly arrived, they are truly clueless. They’ll probably believe anything a body tells ’em. Lots of planars use this to their advantage and tell Outsiders half-truths (or outright lies) in order to influence them in desirable ways. Bobbing a newcomer to Sigil isn’t even a challenge. Not every spiv is that unscrupulous, but there’s no denying that it works.

The other clueless trait to play upon is their belief that their homeworld is the center of the universe and that the planes only exist for that world’s benefit. Feeding this idea often gets a cutter in good with an Outsider.

On the other hand, no matter what most planars think of’em, primes sometimes show up on the planes with a lot of power backing them up. Treat primes like potentially dangerous animals; lead them around by the nose, but watch out for the sudden bite.

When Dealing with Celestials

Don’t think that these bashers’ll be completely helpful and giving just because they’re not tanar’ri or baatezu. They have their own agendas and goals, so don’t stand in their way.

Remember that not all upper-planar inhabitants get along. Aasimon and asuras are not-so-fricndly rivals, and the more chaotic types often find contention with the archons. There is no upper-planar version of the Blood War, however, and most of the celestials attempt to keep their arguments from degenerating into physical combat (but it does happen).

The thing that a planewalker has going for her in relating with celestials is that most of them believe in some manner of compassion, mercy, or at least kindness. Appeal to this side of them if possible. ('Course, that won’t help a body who’s dealing with a solar with a Mercykiller outlook - a rare occurrence, thankfully.) A basher should also stress her own nobility and virtue, although, don’t overdo it - they’re not fools.

When Dealing with Fiends

A planewalker has to know what type of fiend she’s dealing with. Some sods think there’s no difference between baatezu, tanar’ri, yugoloths, or gehreleths. These leatherheads rarely survive long on the Lower Planes.

While they’re all foul, dark beings of destruction, hatred, and pain, they manifest different “flavors” of evil. Baatezu are predictable in their malevolence. Tanar’ri are not. Yugoloths are generally more cunning than powerful.

Never make a deal with any kind of fiend. Why is this so hard for some leatherheads to remember? Tanar’ri lie as a matter of course, baatezu pervert the truth to trick their victims, and yugoloths simply betray a berk while his back is turned. Assume that any boast a yugoloth makes is a bluff, but don’t act as if that’s the case, ’cause they’re still sodding powerful bashers. Confused? Intimidated? That’s the point.

If a body has to work with fiends, keep a few things in mind. If possible, deal from a position of real (not supposed) strength. Only on a very short dealing is it safe to even consider bluffing a fiend - they’ll see right through any berk pretending to be more powerful than he truly is. Certain spells can help a wizard deal a bit easier with fiends, but as every good planewalker knows, magic’s one of those variables in the multiverse that can’t always be relied on.

One tactic worth some thought: Play one fiend off of another. Use a fiend’s enemies against him. Baatezu. tanar’ri, yugoloths - fact is, they’re all completely sodding paranoid. Tell them their enemies are working against them, and they’ll be thrown off whatever they’re doing. Betrayal and backstabbing are standard features of lower-planar life, and every basher watches his back. Likewise, however, a smart planewalker the Lower Planes has to be a little eery, watching his own back as well.

When Dealing with Githyanki

Don't refer to them as humans, gith, or especially githzerai. Don’t refer to their lich-queen ruler/goddess at all.
Remember that githyanki hate to be disturbed. If a trip to the Astral Plane is necessary and the githyanki have to be contacted for whatever reason, expect to get a hostile reception. There’s no way to avoid this initial reaction, but a smooth talker might be able to assuage their irritation.

Approach the githyanki from a position of strength. Having won their freedom eons ago, they can relate to traits of strong individuality and unfettered liberty.

When Dealing with Modrons

Don’t ask any question that can’t be answered with a short, precise reply. Otherwise, a sod’ll be trapped in a long conversation as the creature attempts to give an exact answer to a vague question.

On the other hand, if a body wants to distract a modron, she should ask it to compute the value of pi, or ask it the time. (On Mechanus, every second of each minute has a specific name, as do the minutes and hours themselves the poor sod can’t finish telling a body what time it is before the time has changed, and it must start over.) This may tie the creature up for a very long rime, if it complies with the request (most won’t - they aren’t all completely stupid).

When Dealing with Slaadi

Any advice that can be given to a planewalker for dealing with slaadi is practically worthless. A body’ll virtually never be in a position to "deal" with slaadi in any sort of conventional manner. Slaadi don’t deal. They’re practically too chaotic to make conversation, let alone agreements. A slaad’s idea of a good conversation is chewing the face off a berk who’s trying to ask it a question.

A slaad

He said he was looking for the happy hunting grounds. I didn't know what he was talking about . . . So i ate him.

When Dealing with Petitioners

Any advice about these bashers has to be pretty general, since there’re too many diverse kinds of petitioners to make specific recommendations. In general, though, they mirror the plane and/or realm they’re in - don’t expect petitioners on Carceri to lend a helping hand for free, for example.

Most hate leaving their home plane, and usually won’t do anything that drastically diverts them from their ultimate goal. They all have ultimate goals, which usually entail becoming one with their plane or power, or other such mystical wash.

When Dealing with Proxies

A wise cutter’ll do so with deference and humility. These folks expect to get the respect they’re due. They’ve got a direct line to their high-up, and they’re not going to let anyone forget it. To get something from them, give them what they want first - and maybe a little more.

When Dealing with the Powers

This point is moot. Don’t deal with the powers. Avoid them. Stay out of their way. The sight of one can turn a berk to ash. Their voices can reduce a mortal to jelly. Their presence can disrupt all magic. Their whims can... well, just don’t think about it, berk.

Planar Time

How does a body know what time or day or even year it is on a plane that’s always dark or always light? Without a sun or stars, how can time be measured? The simple answer is, it isn’t. That answer is enough for some sods, but most (particularly primes) want some way to keep track of time’s passage.

Sigil Standard Time (SST. as the Guvners call it) is normally used by planewalkers. It sets a standard length for minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years. The City of Doors has a regular, repetitive cycle of light and darkness. Each is about 12 hours long, so a Sigil day is 24 hours long. Cagers call the hour in the middle of the light period "peak," and its opposite at night "antipeak."

Still, with clocks being rare in most places outside of Mechanus, these lengths of time remain approximate. Most berks know about how long an hour or a day is, and keep track of time no more formally than that. This means that if someone says "Til give you your goods in a week," a body might get what he wants in five to 10 real days.

A few planes have sunrise and sunset (or at least varying periods of light and darkness) that approximate Sigil’s days. Most, however, do not even have varying days and nights, but remain more constant in the intensity of their light, whatever the source may be. Some planes have no light at all.

For longer lengths, time is measured in units relating to a specific event: "in the second year of Factol Hashkar’s reign." for example. In fact, the reigns of the Fraternity of Order’s factols are the most common benchmarks, since they’re the cutters most concerned with keeping records straight. (Guvners mark this year as the 128th year of Hashkar’s reign.)

The Cant

The cant is a sort of planar slang. It’s used mainly in Sigil, and primarily by the lower and middle classes. A few words have invaded all levels of society, but heavy cant usage is a mark of low standing and poor graces. Thus, while it may be quite common to hear rogues and mercenaries and even merchants in Sigil using the unique slang, few use it on Mount Celestia or Baator, particularly those of more refined sophistication.

Besides, the cant is ever-changing, as real cultures and their idioms change. Various cant alterations can be found in different areas and different social groups. Each group creates new words and phrases as others fall out of use. For example, none of the trendy Sigil youths even use “berk” anymore.

Sigil Cant

Addle-Cove. A not-particularly friendly way to call someone an idiot, as in, “Did you hear what that addle-coved wizard wanted us to do?”

Bar that. An almost-polite way to say “shut up” or “don’t talk about that.” It’s quick and to the point, and it can be used as a warning: “Bar that, Jannos, there’s Dustmen over there.”

Barmies. The insane folks, especially those in Sigil, who’ve been “touched” by the impossible bigness of the planes.

Basher. A neutral reference to a person, usually a thug or fighter.

Berk. A fool, especially one who got himself into the mess when he should have known better.

Birdcage. A cell or anything that compares to it.

Bleaker. A faction, one of those despondent members of the Bleak Cabal.

Blinds. The dead-ends of the Mazes, it also means anything impossible or hopeless, as in, “He’ll hit the blinds if he tries lying to the factol.”

Blood. Anyone who’s an expert, sage, or a professional at his work. A champion gladiator can be a blood, just like a practiced sorcerer. Calling someone a blood is a mark of high respect.

Bob. The business of cheating someone, whether it’s of their cash, honor, or trust. A good guide to Sigil will warn a cutter when someone’s bobbing him. Thieves boast that they “bobbed some leatherhead on the street.”

Bone-box. The mouth, named because of its teeth, fangs, or whatever. “Stop rattling your bonebox,” is telling a berk to lay off the threats or bragging.

Bub. Booze, wine, or ale that’s usually cheap and barely drinkable.

Bubber. A drunk, especially if he, she, or it has fallen on hard times. Bubbers don’t get any sympathy from most folks in Sigil.

Burg. Any town smaller than Sigil, either in size or spirit - at least that’s how folks from Sigil see it. Other bodies don’t always agree.

Cage, the. This is a common nickname for Sigil, used by locals. It comes from BIRDCAGE (see above), so it’s a pretty harsh judgment on the place.

Case. The house or place where a cutter lives.

Chaosmen. A nickname for the Xaositects. It does a pretty good job of describing their point of view.

Cipher. A faction nickname of the Transcendent Order, because most folks don’t know what they’re talking about.

Clueless, the. The folks who just don’t get it, usually primes. Use this on a planar and it’s likely there’ll be a fight.

Chant, the. An expression that means news, local gossip, the facts, the moods, or anything else about what’s happening. “What’s the chant?” is a way of asking what’s latest information a basher’s heard.

Cross-trade. The business of thieving, or anything else illegal or shady. “A cross-trading scum” is a thief who’s probably angered the Mercykillers.

Cutter. A term that refers to anybody, male or female, that a person wants. It does suggest a certain amount of resourcefulness or daring, and so it’s a lot better than calling somebody a berk.

Dark. Anything that’s secret is said to be a dark. “Here’s the dark of it,” is a way of saying “I’ve got a secret and I’ll share it with you.”

Dustmen. One of the factions of Sigil. They believe everybody’s dead. See A Player’s Guide to the Planes for more information.

Fated, the. A faction of the planes which holds that if they’ve got something, it’s because it belongs to them. This doesn’t always sit well with others.

Garnish. A bribe, as in “Give the irritating petty official a little garnish and he’ll go away.”

Give 'em the Laugh. Escape or slip through the clutches of someone. Robbing a tanar’ri’s house and not getting caught is giving him the laugh.

Give the Rope. What happens to condemned criminals who don’t manage to give the law the laugh. Usually thieves are the only folks who use this term.

Godsmen. A faction of the planes that believes everybody’s got the chance to be a power.

Guvner. A faction in Sigil that believes knowing physical laws will give a cutter power over everything. Not the kind of folks to argue logic with.

Harmonium. A faction of the planes. “Do it our way or no way,” could be its slogan.

High-up man. This is what everybody - man, woman, and other - in Sigil wants to be: somebody with money and influence. Factols are automatically considered high-up men. It’s bad form to call one’s self this; it’s a phrase others bestow.

Indeps. A faction of the planes whose members live their lives as they please, with no allegiance to others. Some folks figure that makes them untrustworthy right there, but they’re pretty useful as mercenaries.

Jink. The goal of the poor: money or coins. “That’s going to take a lot of jink!” for an expensive bit of garnishing.

Kip Any place a cutter can put up his feet and sleep for a night, especially cheap flophouses in the Hive or elsewhere. Landlords of good inns get upset if a fellow calls their place a kip.

Knight of the Post or Knight of the Cross-trade. a thief, cheat, and a liar - clearly not a compliment unless, of course, that’s what the basher wants to be.

Leafless Tree. The gallows, which is where some berks wind up after they’ve been scragged.

Leatherhead. A dolt, a dull or thick-witted fellow. Use it to call somebody an idiot.

Lost. Dead. “He got lost,” means he ain’t coming back without a resurrection.

Lost, the. A faction in the planes, properly called the Athar. Its members hold.that there are no true powers. The local priests would like to see them get lost, like the meaning above.

Mazes, the. The nasty little traps the Lady of Pain creates for would-be dictators. It’s also come to mean any particularly well-deserved punishment, as in, “It’s the Mazes for him and I can’t say I’m sorry.”

Mercykillers. A faction of the planes that believes there is an absolute justice.

Music. A price a cutter usually doesn’t want to pay, but has to anyway. “Pay the music or you’ll never find your way out of here.”

Out-of-Touch. Outside the Outer Planes. A body who’s on the Elemental Plane of Water is “out-of-touch.’’ This vernacular comes from Sigil, which is considered to be the center of the multiverse by those who adopted this phrase.

Out-of-Town Like the phrase above, this one’s used by Sigilians to describe a body who’s on the Outlands.

Peel. A swindle, con, or a trick is a peel. It’s often used as a verb. Peeling a tanar’ri is usually a bad idea.

Peery. Suspicious and on one’s guard. What a basher Should be if he thinks he’s going to get peeled.

Pike it. A useful, all-purpose phrase, as in, “Take a Short stick and pike it, bubber.”

In the Dead-Book Dead. Some people have others “put in the dead-book.’’

Scragged. Arrested or caught.

Sensates. Nickname for the Society of Sensation, a Faction. Its members believe life’s got to be experienced to be understood.

Signers. A faction nickname for the Sign of One. Its members figure everybody is the center of their own universe.

Sod. An unfortunate or poor soul. Use it to show sympathy for an unlucky cutter or use it sarcastically for those who get themselves into their own mess.

Turn Stag. To betray somebody or use treachery. Saying “he’s turned stag” is about the worst thing that can be said about a cutter.

The Factions